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One liners, jokes and motivations
One LinersIf I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself. Friends are important. Everyone needs someone else to take advantage of. There's nothing wrong with being mediocre as long as you're good at it.
I used to be a salesman, but I got tired of getting the same three orders every day -- Get out! Stay out! and Don't ever come back! I'm a whiz at modern cooking. I just push a few buttons and, presto, in no time there's a guy on the front porch with a pizza. Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred yard dash.
The scariest movie I ever saw was where aliens landed on earth, and they were all lawyers. I came back from vacation with a terrible back ache. Went on an elephant hunt safari, and I had to carry the decoys. In his lifetime, the average man spends seven years in the bathroom. And the average wife spends three years knocking on the door saying, "Honey are you all right in there?"
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. I plan on living forever, and so far, so good. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
I'm not afraid of heights, only widths. I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it. I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays. Remember: in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I don't get even, I get odder. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Stupidity got me into this mess. Why can't it get me out? Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where is my ceiling?!"
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? There is no anagram for "anagram." "640k ought to be enough RAM for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. All computers wait at the same speed. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A county commissioner in Illinois was once re-elected, despite the fact that he was dead. Now that guy's hard to get on the phone. There are too many phobias. There is actually a scientific term for the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth, arachibutyrophobia. Strange but true: It is illegal to gargle in public in Louisiana.
JokesThe CEO says things will be all right because he has the bull by the horns. If you saw a man with a bull by the horns, which one would you bet on? Ethics: Suppose a customer gives you a twenty dollar bill, but when you go to make change, you notice that it's actually two twenty dollar bills stuck together. This is where ethics comes in. You have to ask yourself, "Should I tell my partner?" There are nearly two dozen anti-noise programs in effect across the country. I called the Anti-Noise Commission to get more info, but all they said to me was, "What? What? We can't hear you!"
The Pentagon bought 80,000 camouflage helmet covers last year. Three months later it found another 80,000 helmet covers in a warehouse. They're using the first 80,000 camouflage covers to cover up the second 80,000 covers so no one will know it ever happened. It's a huge cover up. Now if they could only find those helmets.
I have stayed up many nights trying to find a cure for insomnia. Then quite by accident I invented a cure for which there is no disease. I'll leave that up to the marketing people to solve. Congratulate me. I just signed a record deal with Columbia. Yeah, I get nine records now for a penny, then I only have to buy four more in the next two years. In the state of California it is actually illegal to let a state office phone ring more than ten times without answering it. Of course, it's perfectly legal to put someone on hold until five o'clock, tell them the office is closed and slam the phone in their face.
MotivationsTriumph is Umph added to Try. The Right Attitude: Before my daughter said her prayers one night, she asked us, "Anybody else want anything?" Rich people save their money and spend what's left. Poor people spend their money and save what's left.
You can't steal second base and keep one foot on first. There is no such thing as slow business. Only slow people. Good, better, best. Never rest until good be better, and better, best.
If you groaned at any of the above,
Fun with counters...It takes
Cartoons above: Illustrations by Artville, Text by Peter Bohush |
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